Shoutout to Shaffman’s team being mad buns and providing me with motivation for the Haterade Rankings. Goofy couldn’t even score 75 fpts lmfaoooooooo eat shit buddy.
Here is a synopsis of my hate watches ranked in reverse order this year.
The “I have no beef with you” tier
11. Simon
The return of our friendly neighborhood yid has been very nice to enjoy as a commish, especially since he is 2-0 to start the year after Davante absolutely pissed on Juan’s chances of a W this week. I have no reason to look for Simon’s demise, and in fact I would hope that if I don’t win it this year that he would instead.
10. Malik
I kinda feel bad for Malik cuz just like the Abbolievers, his fantasy squads over the past few years have disappointed when the lights are bright. As such, the empath in me wants to see the Kirko Chainz lover’s triumph in the future.
The “I wouldn’t mind too much if you won” tier
9. Bris
As my colleague in the league basement in winning percentage over the years, Bris has experienced a similar sorrow as I in our fantasy endeavors. However, he is still a goofy ahh Bengals fan with a QB who is more fragile than the OG FIU bridge (RIP to those involved). While I wouldn’t mind it too much, I would prefer if he stays in the fantasy basement with me so I don’t have the worst record.
8. Martin
The tall and tiny penis man has had a somewhat successful journey in our league, managing to make the playoffs multiple times as well as make a finals run which he ultimately lost. He is also sneakily a mad shit talker and cocky but in a weird Argentinian way (que mira bobo?), so I would prefer if someone else takes the crown.
The “I hope you don’t win” tier
7. Adry
As much as I love P4A, I am quite jealous of his success as our reigning champion. I would like the league to go in an Adam Silver sort of route with no repeating champions after the forced departure of Mr. Veltchev (gone but never forgotten). He also wore a Knicks sweater once to YH and I am still salty.
6. TRUMMIEEE
After a few years of bitterness between me and Chief, I think we have come to an acceptance that both our teams are equally ass, although the Dolphins still own those pussy pirates regardless of their 2-0 start. Nonetheless, I want Chief’s season to reflect the current Raiders season, where they build up hope only to crumble tremendously.
5. Dr. Foolberg
Honestly I don’t have a great spot to put Dr. Dulberg in, but I find this most fitting. I would never hear the end of it if he managed to win the league, but also he never poses a threat. He kind of reminds me of UF athletics, which always talk a big game but fall in the biggest moments (minus that 1 fluke a few yrs ago).
The “Ross” tier
4. Ross
Yes, this is a special tier for someone very SPECIAL, like Ms. Higgins kinda special. All the fancy metrics and all the research, but somehow never manages to back up his shit talk. Always pressuring me to post the draft order, but almost never yields any results. I would say Ross is like the Bills of our league #fraud.
The “I would want to KMS if they won” tier
3. Juanito “DSL”
Mr. DSL will always hold the worst possible fantasy story over my head, where I went 13-0 in his league, but lost in week 14 to him to go 13-1 and allow his 6-8 garbage squad to sneak in to the playoffs as a 7 seed and eventually beat me in the championship to give me my only two losses of the season. With that explanation out of the way, he is also just very gay and likes men (which a lot of you also do), and I just want to see him crumble like the Jags in the playoffs after winning 1 game.
2. BC2198
The Messi superglazer is borderline unbearable to hear shit talk, mostly because he is a Bills fan as well. Always talking shit to me, even tho his soccer GOAT is a bum that can’t see over my GOAT’s massive cock. The day BC gets any fantasy success is the day I cry. Jaylen Waddle????
1. Shaffman
I don’t think this warrants an explanation.
